Some of my earliest memories include exhibition visits with my mother and basing our free days around museums we should visit. My childhood was, needless to say, immersed in art, and my subsequent interest in it was modified according to my age and state of mind. At nine years old, I was introduced to the works of Tracey Emin, and I remember feeling acutely shocked and then quickly drawn in. Her pieces were rude — almost offensive — crass, very British and fabulous. They were not obnoxious, but more so vulnerable. Accordingly, she struck me as an honest person, which made her good in my eyes, and I started drawing and painting soon after. However, my attraction toward visual arts slowly waned as I got older until a few years ago when I saw a series of Edvard Munch’s paintings in Tokyo. The artwork provoked a similar feeling to when I first viewed Emin’s works, one which is a penetrating combination of disturbance, rawness, and grief, only this time it was more intense, which I assume was a by-product of maturity. As it happened, Munch is one of Emin’s favourite artists and I wonder if she consciously tried to imitate his cathartic authenticity. In fact, in 2021, the Royal Academy of Arts held a joint exhibition of Munch and Emin’s works entitled Loneliness of the Soul in London; it captured the similarities in their art which revolved around emotional intensity and the impact of childhood and past experiences on identity. Likewise, the origin of my other area of interest – feminism and the perception of women – is rooted in my younger years.

Funnily enough, my brother and I have the same birthday. It feels extra special and every year, we receive birthday money from our grandparents. When I was eight, however, I realised that I had been receiving less than my brother. My conservative grandmother believed it was typical, and more importantly, correct that a boy should receive more than a girl. I am not certain if I understood why this was wrong at the time, but I know that I did feel what I would now call injustice, for I have a clear memory of feverishly sobbing upon realisation. In retrospect, my response seems melodramatic and I am well aware that this is a very minor case of prejudice. Nonetheless, as a child, this was a pivotal moment in my life. What’s more, since I was more emotionally inclined than pragmatic, and of course, very young, it was difficult to explain that my anger was based upon discrimination rather than the literal sum of money. Simply put, I did not want to accept that my own family member would view me as inferior as I was the same as she was – a woman.

Now, ten years have passed and I receive the same amount as my brother. However, I quickly came to realise that prejudice exists everywhere. It is not limited to the family unit nor culture or language. In England where I study, in all six languages I have learnt, in an all-girls school where I spent five years of my life – the patriarchy stands strong. Indeed, women are sexist to their own sex. Just like my grandmother was towards me, I have met many internally misogynistic women, and this includes myself. Until only a couple of years ago, I refused to believe this as it was easier to avoid self-confrontation. It was easier to take on the image of being an empowered female than to explore qualities of myself I wish I did not have. More often than not, I view myself through the lens of a man, whether actively or passively, and there lies the male gaze. As Margaret Atwood puts it, I am a “woman with a man inside watching a woman”. Quickly, I came to realise that in the digital era, the contemporary idea of female empowerment is more often than not false liberation. What women often say they do for themselves, they do for the ever-present male gaze. Thus, my current understanding is this: we have tried to build a more inclusive culture, free from historical prejudices. However, this culture seems to be a re-establishment of the one before. We are not yet free from patriarchal values which are deeply ingrained in our psyche. Today, the patriarchy continues to be universal, transcending boundaries of all forms. Thus, I am determined to challenge my pre-existing beliefs and confront and explore them.